Thoughts while at The Silent Barn

Wow, not sure what to think of Silent Barn. These kids look my age or younger but apparently they’re 21+, or they just have fake ID’s bc they’re drinkin.

Not sure if I would want to be approached either. Already was once today. Fuck, I just mad eye contact with a dude that is also alone- better not look there anymore. It’s not AS awkward as it could be right now sitting alone bc I think other freaks are also alone- I’m just the closest “alone” person to the stage. Fuck. I wish I ha a fake ID. I just want Weird Womb to perform so I could go home. I’m tired and I haven’t even done much. I hope the guy I met at Union is gay, I really do. I’m gonna try not to go out anymore until I have a form of income. I’m gonna take Jayme’s advice and try to find an actual summer job.

There are hot dudes here but few. Most of them kinda look too young for my likes.

I know this very mean to say so I would like to say “fuck you” to myself, the person next to me is really ugly.

Guy in the band that’s about to perform is a babe.

I swear these kids don’t look 21+. I’m actually believing it more n’ more.

Dammit. Ugly person just leaned back and now he’s interfering with the chance of me being approached by a babe (specifically denim dude in the next band).

Fuck. People blocked my view.

Now most of my view has been blocked. Dude just accidentally stepped on my shoe and apologized.

People keep apologizing.

Just bought a boytoy pin- cost me $1.

I want to buy a tape of the band that just played but I’m broke!!!!!

Two more bands, then Weird Womb.

My right foot is hurting. These are definitely not walking boots.

Shame on a nigga is playing. Cool.

It’s pretty hot in here. I don’t want to take off my sweater though. I’m really thirsty too. I’m tired. And broke.

Just sat next to another lady that’s also alone. The girl next to he might be alone as well.

Just drank water. Diana, your water tastes weird.

Finally, Weird Womb is setting up.

It’s hot.

I should’ve stayed to see Sons of an Illustrious Father. I still want to see them.

Not the Right Plans/Mothers Day

A lot has happened since my last post. I finally gave in to my family’s incessant preposition to not leave for NY this summer.

I gave in owing to the fact that everyone was calling me to tell me that I should wait because my dad didn’t approve of my decision, and my dad even said some really nasty stuff to me over the phone.

Since he’s still in NY (hes been there since January) I gave him a call to tell him about my plans and try to ease him into accepting my decision, instead he vented himself into a fervid harangue. He said very hurtful things, things I never would’ve expected from him. Later that day, after hours of ruminating what to do, I cautiously called him and told him that since hes not content with my elope this summer that my definite departure to NY would be in January. He seemed calm about but we didn’t really get into depth. I think hell make an issue about it when the time comes. 

That was about two or three weeks ago.

Maybe about a week after I modified my plans and was mentally preparing myself for another eight months in Florida, to my content, we found out that after two years of struggling with saving this house in Florida from foreclosure, we finally lost it.

That is where I am today. I am trying to convince my dad to evict the current nonpaying first floor tenants in our NY home so we can move in and live there like we never even left. He doesn’t really like the idea but I’m going to try and make it happen.

In the meantime, I might be going to NY in June for a month to just enjoy myself. Hopefully I can get my dad to come back to Florida while I’m there so I can do as I wish.

—-

I turned 19 today, which isn’t too exciting for me because I feel like I’ve had a misspent youth. Today is also Mothers Day which, again, isn’t very exciting either because I cant celebrate it. My brothers might be visiting tomorrow to celebrate my birthday since today they’re spending time with their mothers.

Since I always grow to love everyone’s mom–  a psychological thing — I want to wish every mom a very happy Mothers Day.

What Wouldn’t I do for you, New York City?

The other week I finally told my dad that I plan to move back to NYC. I told him I’ll be staying with my uncle (my moms brother) and his family, he told me that that family is crazy and that it’s not a good idea- he didn’t restrict me though. Overall he didn’t make too big of a deal about it and just tried to convince me to stay in FL for two years while attending college.

Just yesterday Maria, my dad’s girlfriend, called me and started making a scene about the whole situation and how its making my dad so nervous to the point where he’s feeling chest pain. She tried persuading me to stay ANOTHER YEAR in Florida or at least another six months. The conversation lasted about an hour. I didn’t give in to her offer but I didn’t decline it either, I just said “I don’t know” in a nonchalant tone. After telling me to think about it the conversation ended.

A few minutes later she called again telling me that my dad was in the hospital due to chest pain. She’s trying to make me feel guilty.

He went into surgery today- a catheterization.

My dad has been a bit rancorous about my plans towards my family but has yet to mention anything to me. According to my sister he’s been saying that he will not financially help me if I move – which I wasn’t looking forward to anyway-  and what not.

I’m pretty adamant about my decision and definitely do not plan on waiting another year because that’s another year wasted. I’m currently 18 and will be 19 when I move, I’ve reached the age where I realize how short life is and I truly value my time and I want to enjoy every minute of it.

 

I’ve been updating my life though small fragments via other social networks (twitter, facebook, tumblr) for the past few months. I make my resurgence here usually only to expound on several things or just to liberate my mind. 

I’ve been staying alone as of Wednesday since my sister is in New York — she gets back tomorrow. I haven’t really felt all too lonely only bc I haven’t really thought about it, and I’m not going to.

I feel like I’m displeasing my cats since i’m not deeming them as companions. I don’t think its onerous to understand what i’m trying to say.

Anyhow, now that I mentioned my cats I should go ahead and mention that I no longer just have Mitchy, I’ve now acquired Nylah. A friend gave her to me after she was looking to give her away (don’t know why). She (Nylah) is truly sweet (so is my friend but that’s not who I’m referring to). I shan’t forget to mention that she has fleas. Its maddening. I already ordered Frontline Plus which I will use on both cats since Mitch most likely contracted fleas. 

——

I’m going to New York next week, on the 20th to be exact, for spring break. Unfortunately I’ll be staying with my dad most of the time and ill have limited freedom (as always when with him).

I have yet to tell him about moving back their. What’s my deal?

 

I tried formulating a poem that reflects me. Please critique honestly, I need to submit it to a literary fair and I don’t want to embarrass myself.

I don’t have a title for it yet.

I haven’t given it my best,

And its given me much unrest.

I’ve been trying to be unorthodox

And live to my own expectations,

But instead will end up like a fox

Marauding for sacred temptations.

I am not as incorrigible as i think,

I’m amenable to change for my own contentment,

And I’ve discovered my own enchantment.

You see, I have a yen for detail that may seem apparent through my reticence,

and they don’t know it yet, but I observe their petulance.

I try to take wily notes so I can expatiate

how I see the world and use words to illustrate.

I don’t walk around listlessly,

I walk around aimlessly.

I formulate words so people can appreciate

what they don’t often notice

and it makes it easier for me to consociate.

My Thoughts Right Before Phosphorescent’s Performance

12/18/13

Wut wut wuuuuuuuut
I’m sitting by myself on a black leather couch with a couple that are pecking at each others lips every other minute. As I look at the bar area– exactly at a 1 o’clock angle, I feel relief as another lone human, a man with elbow patches and who seems to be a foreigner, sits also trying to look busy by fidgeting with his phone. It’s 8:35, the concert starts at 9. I’m in the basement which is the bar area, I suppose we get sent up at around 9. I have terrible upper back pain. I need to get it checked out. I’m wasting battery as I write this and I should really save it cos i don’t know if I’m going straight home after the show and my sisters ipod also has low battery. My shoes look very big on me, I think I want to buy a new pair. I’ve actually spotted another lone human, a blond woman also fidgeting with her phone, sitting to the right of loner number 1.

Very attractive men here.

What the fig?!
8:51

Whoa. I just awkwardly make eye contact with a man (10 o’clock) that looks like the lead singer from Local Natives. May or may not be him. Not sure. I don’t want to look again cos he caught me looking at him for those two and only instances. He’s talking to a girl so I don’t want him to think I’m into him (I am).

Why can’t I be more social?! I guess I’m not approachable either. If someone were to approach me now I’d my thought would freak out, I would act calm and casual though. If it were a boy. No, actually of it were a girl too– not as freaked out though.

Wtf?! People keep looking at me when they walk by.

The show is about start. Peace. I think it started. She’s singing. Where is she?!??