90% Virgin

It’s been a while since I last posted something, it’s not due to lack of blogging material, just laziness.

Not long ago after my last post I had my first intercourse. I’m not dating the guy and he’s not my lover either – call me a slut if you feel the urge to, that only means you feel men are superior. I met this man, who I’ll call Rick, at Washington Square park one night, about an hour before midnight when the park closes. I was sitting on a bench fidgeting with my electronic device when I looked up at the sound of  wheels as he passed by on his roller blades. We made steady eye contact for about the three seconds it took him to pass me. After I shrugged off that moment, he turned around and sat a bench away from me as if he knew I liked my personal space. He imediatley asked me if I would like to be his muse for his paintings, I hesitated and kindly refused since I relized shortly after that I would have to be nude. After a long conversation, the police started kicking everyone out of the park for closing. He roller bladed me to the train station two blocks away – it was a romantic scenerio. We said our goodbyes and I left for the train with his number and website written down, incase I changed my mind.

After a few days I texted Rick telling him that I hadnt forgotten his offer but that I still wasnt sure. He asked to hang out later that day and I, being a lonley, needy girl, agreed and met him later that day at his art studio by Union Square. I left his studio at about 3A.M.. I saw him two more times after that and each time I left at around the same time and each time he roller bladed me to the train station.

Rick knows Im 19, I didnt lie about my age unlike I think he did. He told me he’s 44 but according to the internet he’s 54. It probably sounds gross to some but he really does look great for his age. He’s a handsome guy so I dont see the need for him to lie about his age other than the fear of rejection for being older.

The last time I saw Rick was in early July, the day before he was due to leave to Madeira for about a month and at that point I was due to leave back to Florida on the 21st of that month. He told me it would be nice to meet up again when he travelled to Florida, which he planned to in a few months.

I ended up staying in New York because my dad had finally lost the house in Florida after maybe four years of not paying his mortgage.

The only form of contact I had with Rick while he was in Madeira was through email but I never sent him one because he had told me that he would be communicating with me and sharing pictures of his time there. It was almost a month and he hadn’t communincated and to my suprise I was feeling anguished. He didnt send me an email until a few days before he was due to get back to NY — he sent me a poem.

I haven’t seen him since before he left for Madeira, its been a few months. He’s wanted to meet up a few times but I kindly tell him I cant and make up an excuse. I dont dislike him all of a sudden or anything, I just lost interest.  Hes definitely a great guy and I’d only like to stay friends, not “friends with benefits”.

About my sexual experience with him, he honestly wasnt that great. I know he’s the only person I’ve had intercourse with but I also know that it could’ve been better. I only consider myself to be 90% virgin.

Thoughts while at The Silent Barn

Wow, not sure what to think of Silent Barn. These kids look my age or younger but apparently they’re 21+, or they just have fake ID’s bc they’re drinkin.

Not sure if I would want to be approached either. Already was once today. Fuck, I just mad eye contact with a dude that is also alone- better not look there anymore. It’s not AS awkward as it could be right now sitting alone bc I think other freaks are also alone- I’m just the closest “alone” person to the stage. Fuck. I wish I ha a fake ID. I just want Weird Womb to perform so I could go home. I’m tired and I haven’t even done much. I hope the guy I met at Union is gay, I really do. I’m gonna try not to go out anymore until I have a form of income. I’m gonna take Jayme’s advice and try to find an actual summer job.

There are hot dudes here but few. Most of them kinda look too young for my likes.

I know this very mean to say so I would like to say “fuck you” to myself, the person next to me is really ugly.

Guy in the band that’s about to perform is a babe.

I swear these kids don’t look 21+. I’m actually believing it more n’ more.

Dammit. Ugly person just leaned back and now he’s interfering with the chance of me being approached by a babe (specifically denim dude in the next band).

Fuck. People blocked my view.

Now most of my view has been blocked. Dude just accidentally stepped on my shoe and apologized.

People keep apologizing.

Just bought a boytoy pin- cost me $1.

I want to buy a tape of the band that just played but I’m broke!!!!!

Two more bands, then Weird Womb.

My right foot is hurting. These are definitely not walking boots.

Shame on a nigga is playing. Cool.

It’s pretty hot in here. I don’t want to take off my sweater though. I’m really thirsty too. I’m tired. And broke.

Just sat next to another lady that’s also alone. The girl next to he might be alone as well.

Just drank water. Diana, your water tastes weird.

Finally, Weird Womb is setting up.

It’s hot.

I should’ve stayed to see Sons of an Illustrious Father. I still want to see them.

Not the Right Plans/Mothers Day

A lot has happened since my last post. I finally gave in to my family’s incessant preposition to not leave for NY this summer.

I gave in owing to the fact that everyone was calling me to tell me that I should wait because my dad didn’t approve of my decision, and my dad even said some really nasty stuff to me over the phone.

Since he’s still in NY (hes been there since January) I gave him a call to tell him about my plans and try to ease him into accepting my decision, instead he vented himself into a fervid harangue. He said very hurtful things, things I never would’ve expected from him. Later that day, after hours of ruminating what to do, I cautiously called him and told him that since hes not content with my elope this summer that my definite departure to NY would be in January. He seemed calm about but we didn’t really get into depth. I think hell make an issue about it when the time comes. 

That was about two or three weeks ago.

Maybe about a week after I modified my plans and was mentally preparing myself for another eight months in Florida, to my content, we found out that after two years of struggling with saving this house in Florida from foreclosure, we finally lost it.

That is where I am today. I am trying to convince my dad to evict the current nonpaying first floor tenants in our NY home so we can move in and live there like we never even left. He doesn’t really like the idea but I’m going to try and make it happen.

In the meantime, I might be going to NY in June for a month to just enjoy myself. Hopefully I can get my dad to come back to Florida while I’m there so I can do as I wish.

—-

I turned 19 today, which isn’t too exciting for me because I feel like I’ve had a misspent youth. Today is also Mothers Day which, again, isn’t very exciting either because I cant celebrate it. My brothers might be visiting tomorrow to celebrate my birthday since today they’re spending time with their mothers.

Since I always grow to love everyone’s mom–  a psychological thing — I want to wish every mom a very happy Mothers Day.

What Wouldn’t I do for you, New York City?

The other week I finally told my dad that I plan to move back to NYC. I told him I’ll be staying with my uncle (my moms brother) and his family, he told me that that family is crazy and that it’s not a good idea- he didn’t restrict me though. Overall he didn’t make too big of a deal about it and just tried to convince me to stay in FL for two years while attending college.

Just yesterday Maria, my dad’s girlfriend, called me and started making a scene about the whole situation and how its making my dad so nervous to the point where he’s feeling chest pain. She tried persuading me to stay ANOTHER YEAR in Florida or at least another six months. The conversation lasted about an hour. I didn’t give in to her offer but I didn’t decline it either, I just said “I don’t know” in a nonchalant tone. After telling me to think about it the conversation ended.

A few minutes later she called again telling me that my dad was in the hospital due to chest pain. She’s trying to make me feel guilty.

He went into surgery today- a catheterization.

My dad has been a bit rancorous about my plans towards my family but has yet to mention anything to me. According to my sister he’s been saying that he will not financially help me if I move – which I wasn’t looking forward to anyway-  and what not.

I’m pretty adamant about my decision and definitely do not plan on waiting another year because that’s another year wasted. I’m currently 18 and will be 19 when I move, I’ve reached the age where I realize how short life is and I truly value my time and I want to enjoy every minute of it.

 

I’ve been updating my life though small fragments via other social networks (twitter, facebook, tumblr) for the past few months. I make my resurgence here usually only to expound on several things or just to liberate my mind. 

I’ve been staying alone as of Wednesday since my sister is in New York — she gets back tomorrow. I haven’t really felt all too lonely only bc I haven’t really thought about it, and I’m not going to.

I feel like I’m displeasing my cats since i’m not deeming them as companions. I don’t think its onerous to understand what i’m trying to say.

Anyhow, now that I mentioned my cats I should go ahead and mention that I no longer just have Mitchy, I’ve now acquired Nylah. A friend gave her to me after she was looking to give her away (don’t know why). She (Nylah) is truly sweet (so is my friend but that’s not who I’m referring to). I shan’t forget to mention that she has fleas. Its maddening. I already ordered Frontline Plus which I will use on both cats since Mitch most likely contracted fleas. 

——

I’m going to New York next week, on the 20th to be exact, for spring break. Unfortunately I’ll be staying with my dad most of the time and ill have limited freedom (as always when with him).

I have yet to tell him about moving back their. What’s my deal?

 

I tried formulating a poem that reflects me. Please critique honestly, I need to submit it to a literary fair and I don’t want to embarrass myself.

I don’t have a title for it yet.

I haven’t given it my best,

And its given me much unrest.

I’ve been trying to be unorthodox

And live to my own expectations,

But instead will end up like a fox

Marauding for sacred temptations.

I am not as incorrigible as i think,

I’m amenable to change for my own contentment,

And I’ve discovered my own enchantment.

You see, I have a yen for detail that may seem apparent through my reticence,

and they don’t know it yet, but I observe their petulance.

I try to take wily notes so I can expatiate

how I see the world and use words to illustrate.

I don’t walk around listlessly,

I walk around aimlessly.

I formulate words so people can appreciate

what they don’t often notice

and it makes it easier for me to consociate.